Isn't FAIR?

Who said I'm lucky? When we talk about fortunes, it would cause an argument for sure coz it's obvious how unlucky I am in every aspects of life. There's no essence of saying these words for I know for a fact that there's something wrong with me that it would do no good in my way of thinking and my life perse. Pardon me but there's part of me wanting to burst out my emotions that I kept on resisting. Once I said that one most valuable thing I've learned here in NZ is becoming optimistic, seeing the bright side of life, and stay as happy as possible but what the heck I'm feeling right now giving me much headache and moment of vagueness just simply pissing me off. How much I tried to escape from my worries, myself won't do so. Every week different problems welcome me as my life becoming darker when it's used to be brighter.

As much as possible. I'm trying to live life as if everything is fine like getting lot of inspiration from things and PERSON but in the end of the day, what's the point? I can still feel empty inside. I'm worried for the future I guess. It's like I have nowhere to go, nothing to be proud of. Should I remain as is without anything to make me satisfied. I know it's wrong not to be satisfied of what God provided w/c for my best, still I can't help but to question, "Why me? What's wrong with me? Why do you have to put all that challenges onto my back?" Yes, God won't give you problems that you can't handle however, I'm too fragile these days..

People around me are lucky enough to get much of what they need and receive more than what they need. It's not I'm being too judgmental but facts will stay as facts. I don't want to weigh things up but how hypocrite I should be if I don't admit that I do so. Honestly I'm a giving person and as long as I get just enough of what I need, I will be alright. But sometimes, you come to think things over and by doing so you realized how bummer you might be from all the rest. It's not helping seriously, to learn that everyone's progressing and you will stay behind looking how far they've become. Jealously, maybe or a form of stupidity. I dunno. I wonder if my life has a meaning or am I just an accessory to this world full of mysteries. Some might say, God has a purpose for you or you're fortunate enough compared to other suffering individual.. Is that a bu*lsh*t? I don't mean to curse my life but I'm still trying to figure out who am i, WHERE DO I STAND?

Life is indeed unfair. Before it wasn't a big deal for me but in silence, you realized "wheww! it's not fair!"... In time, I hope that things will get better. It's not my intention really to discourage myself but for me to learn how to cope up and sort things up with my inner self. I'm not losing hope if so, otherwise I totally depressed and crying at the moment. I can do it!! I'm not losing hope.

:,((

2.15 in the afternoon as the rain keep on pouring down as i look at the window where all things are soaking wet. I can't help my tears from falling down through my orange jacket and all the sounds I hear is the music from the radio. It hurts to know someone's leaving when all along you knew that everything's going fine. A sudden news going to shock you insane where you've got no where to escape and all left is to cry. There's no way I'm gonna accept this fact, never in my wildest dreams I imagined being in this kind of situation. This probably the worst scenario I'm afraid to deal with. You can gimme hell problems in the world but not this one because I've got nowhere to find something that can heal this kind of pain w/c hurting me too much. I often wonder if all were just a Dream that I'm more than willing to wake up soon. I don't care if I give up what I have at the moment just bring back all good times away from misery. I can stand whatever trials comes my way whether if those will break me, i don't give a damn.

Being away from home had given me difficult time to deal with this especially I've got no family to lean on but I'm thankful coz I have friends who understands me and cares for me. I need to be strong though in silence I tend to be emotional and think over the present situation that's driving me at the peak of depression. Definitely, there's no way I can escape the reality that life has expiration date. Sometimes I question God, "why did it came so fast?". Though I have no right to question the Almighty but it's a human nature to ask things beyond their control.

Sometimes I think that it's better to have Cancer coz you can see how long will you stay in this world whereas, if heart attack, it gets your life instantly without any consent..:( It's damn unfair.

All that is left of me are the memories we had together couple of months ago. I will never forget every single thing she did for me and the rest of the family. She's my role model. She sacrfificed much to help most of us so that's why i find it hard to accept the truth that she's been struggling much. The truth is she almost forgotten her own life coz all she thinks of were how to help us. A guilt deep within makes me too emotional and cry at times. Because it's a fact that I added up to her problems ever since I pursue my dreams of getting here. Instead of advising me to give up, here she goes trying to uplift my spirits telling me how proud she is that I'm already here. She knew even before that I'm gonna achieve my dreams {period}. Honestly if wasn't for her, I won't be able to be as strong as I am now. She's my inspiration who taught me to be brave and she believed whatever trials I'm going to encounter, I can make it.

Living my life without her is unimaginable. Everyday I used to talk with her through chat about random / casual things, sometimes about gossips / life issues/ family issues. I will miss those without any doubt. She very different from the rest coz she's too frank and straight forward. It saddened me to wake up one day waiting for her to pop up in the internet and say.."hi leny". :(( but sadly, i dunno if it will ever happen again. Truly she makes my daily easy as I can talk to her sharing experiences and everything w/c makes me less homesick.. But now, how can i deal with this? I've got no idea at all. It's hell to imagine things like that totally makes me sick.

If there's one wish I can make, that would be to longer her life... I still have heaps of dreams for her. I want to somehow payback to all the good deeds she have done for the family. She deserves to be pampered w/c I know she never experienced given by other person or us. That's one of my ultimate dream ever since. I hope I can still give her comfortable life away from stress and problems..

God help her please...I'm begging you.. But whatever or wherever you want her to be, I'll accept it though there's nothing harder than that... You knows best, I believe in you. We love her so much.....:((