No turning back!

This is it! I probably making one of the hardest decision of my life. I know it's should be done earlier as possible. I took a chance of letting time goes by without making any sense of my life here in nz. Until I reached the end of the year when all things were sorted out and created the final outcome of the questions I've been asking in my mind. Yay! so creepy! I have to be prepared like BIG TIME! Pls. pray for my success! I'm thankful because there's wonderful people along the way who won't hesitate to help.. thanks:))

RISE AND SHINE!

Shot by mois (27.11.10)

After a long time, I've managed to check my blogger account! haha. You know me, I've been busy working but now, I'm gonna rise and shine. It doesn't matter if I get less hours of sleep as long as I can see the beauty of the sun and people passing by. I wanna drink my favorite cup of frappucino and unwind in the library with my laptop chillaxing! Aside from working and surpassing work challenges, I'm having fun spending time with myself. Not that I'm a loner, but basically it's way for me to discover what I wanted in life and not listening to those buggers! Anyway, they give spice in my life and so I need them to give a little spunk in my peaceful living.lol.

Chase your dream is my new motto. I don't want to be rotten like a bunch of bananas trying to be like everyone. Who don't wants to fly and explore life? It's better to try than not to try it at all just because of stupid excuses! No use of talking and arguing with them. Such a waste of time!! ahahaha.. just kidding..We have our own perception on what's right from what's wrong. If your mature and old enough to decide on what to do, well then, good on you.

Let's see what life's in store for me.....

Never Mind coz God provides.

I'm not sure exactly what to write here coz I'm in the middle of boredom inside my room listening to a show in T.V. No one to talk to in the internet. The weather is too gloomy likewise the aura feels so boring. Waiting for the time or maybe to let the sun rest and darkness appears is the most tiring thing to do. I have to keep a better eye on the clock as it tick-tocks while i'm realizing that "have i consuming my time well enough?or am i just wasting it?" Never mind.

Now that I have achieved what I've longed for the last 5 months, is it worth it? Still, anxiousness kept me going all day long. I cannot be happy and fulfill completely since i'm stil tied up with something evilish! I wanna get rid of it so badly... Don't get me wrong, I termed evilish as a metaphor coz they likely the same. Never mind.

Please God give me strength to carry on all this heavy baggage I'm carrying in my back.. I've been through countless trials but then you never left me standing alone. You're my only hope, oh God. I know you have a meaningful purpose for everything and that what keeps me hanging on. Thank you for all the blessings. i love you.:)

Isn't FAIR?

Who said I'm lucky? When we talk about fortunes, it would cause an argument for sure coz it's obvious how unlucky I am in every aspects of life. There's no essence of saying these words for I know for a fact that there's something wrong with me that it would do no good in my way of thinking and my life perse. Pardon me but there's part of me wanting to burst out my emotions that I kept on resisting. Once I said that one most valuable thing I've learned here in NZ is becoming optimistic, seeing the bright side of life, and stay as happy as possible but what the heck I'm feeling right now giving me much headache and moment of vagueness just simply pissing me off. How much I tried to escape from my worries, myself won't do so. Every week different problems welcome me as my life becoming darker when it's used to be brighter.

As much as possible. I'm trying to live life as if everything is fine like getting lot of inspiration from things and PERSON but in the end of the day, what's the point? I can still feel empty inside. I'm worried for the future I guess. It's like I have nowhere to go, nothing to be proud of. Should I remain as is without anything to make me satisfied. I know it's wrong not to be satisfied of what God provided w/c for my best, still I can't help but to question, "Why me? What's wrong with me? Why do you have to put all that challenges onto my back?" Yes, God won't give you problems that you can't handle however, I'm too fragile these days..

People around me are lucky enough to get much of what they need and receive more than what they need. It's not I'm being too judgmental but facts will stay as facts. I don't want to weigh things up but how hypocrite I should be if I don't admit that I do so. Honestly I'm a giving person and as long as I get just enough of what I need, I will be alright. But sometimes, you come to think things over and by doing so you realized how bummer you might be from all the rest. It's not helping seriously, to learn that everyone's progressing and you will stay behind looking how far they've become. Jealously, maybe or a form of stupidity. I dunno. I wonder if my life has a meaning or am I just an accessory to this world full of mysteries. Some might say, God has a purpose for you or you're fortunate enough compared to other suffering individual.. Is that a bu*lsh*t? I don't mean to curse my life but I'm still trying to figure out who am i, WHERE DO I STAND?

Life is indeed unfair. Before it wasn't a big deal for me but in silence, you realized "wheww! it's not fair!"... In time, I hope that things will get better. It's not my intention really to discourage myself but for me to learn how to cope up and sort things up with my inner self. I'm not losing hope if so, otherwise I totally depressed and crying at the moment. I can do it!! I'm not losing hope.

:,((

2.15 in the afternoon as the rain keep on pouring down as i look at the window where all things are soaking wet. I can't help my tears from falling down through my orange jacket and all the sounds I hear is the music from the radio. It hurts to know someone's leaving when all along you knew that everything's going fine. A sudden news going to shock you insane where you've got no where to escape and all left is to cry. There's no way I'm gonna accept this fact, never in my wildest dreams I imagined being in this kind of situation. This probably the worst scenario I'm afraid to deal with. You can gimme hell problems in the world but not this one because I've got nowhere to find something that can heal this kind of pain w/c hurting me too much. I often wonder if all were just a Dream that I'm more than willing to wake up soon. I don't care if I give up what I have at the moment just bring back all good times away from misery. I can stand whatever trials comes my way whether if those will break me, i don't give a damn.

Being away from home had given me difficult time to deal with this especially I've got no family to lean on but I'm thankful coz I have friends who understands me and cares for me. I need to be strong though in silence I tend to be emotional and think over the present situation that's driving me at the peak of depression. Definitely, there's no way I can escape the reality that life has expiration date. Sometimes I question God, "why did it came so fast?". Though I have no right to question the Almighty but it's a human nature to ask things beyond their control.

Sometimes I think that it's better to have Cancer coz you can see how long will you stay in this world whereas, if heart attack, it gets your life instantly without any consent..:( It's damn unfair.

All that is left of me are the memories we had together couple of months ago. I will never forget every single thing she did for me and the rest of the family. She's my role model. She sacrfificed much to help most of us so that's why i find it hard to accept the truth that she's been struggling much. The truth is she almost forgotten her own life coz all she thinks of were how to help us. A guilt deep within makes me too emotional and cry at times. Because it's a fact that I added up to her problems ever since I pursue my dreams of getting here. Instead of advising me to give up, here she goes trying to uplift my spirits telling me how proud she is that I'm already here. She knew even before that I'm gonna achieve my dreams {period}. Honestly if wasn't for her, I won't be able to be as strong as I am now. She's my inspiration who taught me to be brave and she believed whatever trials I'm going to encounter, I can make it.

Living my life without her is unimaginable. Everyday I used to talk with her through chat about random / casual things, sometimes about gossips / life issues/ family issues. I will miss those without any doubt. She very different from the rest coz she's too frank and straight forward. It saddened me to wake up one day waiting for her to pop up in the internet and say.."hi leny". :(( but sadly, i dunno if it will ever happen again. Truly she makes my daily easy as I can talk to her sharing experiences and everything w/c makes me less homesick.. But now, how can i deal with this? I've got no idea at all. It's hell to imagine things like that totally makes me sick.

If there's one wish I can make, that would be to longer her life... I still have heaps of dreams for her. I want to somehow payback to all the good deeds she have done for the family. She deserves to be pampered w/c I know she never experienced given by other person or us. That's one of my ultimate dream ever since. I hope I can still give her comfortable life away from stress and problems..

God help her please...I'm begging you.. But whatever or wherever you want her to be, I'll accept it though there's nothing harder than that... You knows best, I believe in you. We love her so much.....:((

Byeee Ph, Kia Ora! NZ!!

Kia Ora!!!
HELLO NEW ZEALAND!!
Arrived last March 24, 2010.

The place was so Laid Back. It's quiet and few people can be seen in streets. Friendly people were quite noticeable as they will greet you wherever, whenever. At first, I found it kinda weird coz we don't even knew each other and we're all plain strangers, yet, they don't hesitate to give some smile on their faces and greetings like "how's it going?", "hi, hello" w/c are overwhelming and welcoming on my part as a newbie in this country. Buses here have timetable so there's schedule on what time the bus supposed to arrive and it has cut off time w/c totally sucks. Unlike in the Philippines where transportation are widely available. So, we need someone to bring us to work in time especially in early morning and late at night. Foods are somewhat cheap and reasonable but just forget to convert it into peso alright. The weather is a wi bit cold most especially in nights but during daytime, sun is on its peak w/c a bit painful in skin. Sometimes the wind can be cold. Trees are definitely eye catching because of the colors and the structures. Flowers are blooming. But because its Autumn, most of the tress were like fading w/ tan colored leaves. Nice on sight. We've been through some of great places here but not quite. The language is a way different from Aussie accent or British accent. It's hard to understand coz they pronounced words differently giving to much emphasis on "e" sounds. Technology was not really updated here. T.V. shows were like old school and boring. Yes, the word boring describes it all. A Filipino once sad to me that, time here runs too fast and it's like your waiting for the time you'll get old. One of the greatest things happened to me was the moment I met the people I'm living with at the moment coz they're so helpful, nice, caring and all the nicest thing in the world. Though we faced a lot of triumphs, I can proudly say that I made it through the rain. If you can only witnessed my first week here, it was filled with sadness, pain, depression and all that stressful feeling a person won't wish to experience. It will take ages before I can narrate everything in detailed so in the meantime, it's better to just leave it in the past. What I felt right now is mixed up with contentment and hope that someday, in right time, i can grasp the promise of great life here in NZ. There was a time when i wanted to give up and rather go back home, but then I realized how can i learn if i give up just like that. There's no use of giving up. Another bright thing in here, was I was able to meet a lot of nice people whom I worked with,mostly Filipinos. Truly said, some will put you down but most will help you on your way up. They don't even know how much gratitude I have for them that I will never forget as long as I live.

A month ago, I'm thinking of the best things yet to happen. I thought everything will be fine if I grab this opportunity getting here in NZ. But no one knows, maybe because we got here that easy that's why we're facing this difficulties/conflicts and maybe later our luck be seen within our reach. Maybe there's a silver lining behind all of this and it's yet to unfold, in best and right time i guess.

AUTUMN

Holla!

My itchiness to type brought me here. Someone whispered in my ear telling me to update my personal site, i dunno who it was or maybe it was just my imagination. Never mind, I think apart from being updated in my Project 365 days tumblr site, I need give much importance to my first ever loved blog site. Blame my laziness for I wasn't able to catch things up here and I've been out for almost a decade it seems.

Whew, If I will try to elaborate significant events from the last update up to this moment, I admit it'll be difficult. You can just check out my tumblr site for more specific updates.

It's unbelievable thinking how far I became from few months ago when I was still struggling to find myself in this world asking myself, "where do I fit in?" It was just some of my "emo" moments like ranting stuffs due to helplessness and sometimes, hopelessness. I can't help it and I just suck onto it. Crappy thoughts always interrupt my concentration and even my goals were once or twice forgotten. How can I forget the times I used to question life? How unfair life is and what the hell life brought me in such position. It took me almost two years to finally discover where do I belong in this crowded world. I couldn't say that this path will be the final destination for me coz life's full of surprises. But honestly, I lose all my pride that's inside me and I'll try to forget my genuine happiness for my incoming success sake. Yeah, I'm positive about this and I can foresee it so wide clearly. This HOPE kept me in new way of thinking that everything is possible and within our reach if we know how to wait and persevere towards one's goal.

For sure I will nailed whatever it takes for me to achieve "SOMETHING" worth my existence. Dealing with this kind of new experience got me stomach upset every time I think of it. Being alone is what I have to deal with. No one to run and no one to lean on. I must be strong enough to be independent coz everything will be different from the usual. Solitary moments, that will actually make me burst out my emotions and wanting to go back home, should be in control. Giving up is never an excuse, I swear to myself that I won't give up no matter what.

Yes, ast month my visa was approved and my flight will be anytime this March. To be exact, its March23. I hope that this is really is it. It's New Zealand BTW. I'm not yet completely prepared but I'm still trying to be prepared emotionally and physically. New environment, new people, new experience are all makes me excited and at the same time, makes me frightened a bit. But don't worry coz I know that I can handle whatever situations for sure. Adaptation Technique has its own ways to help me adjust time after time.

I bet you're thinking how excited I am to see a snow!! Yep, I do!!!! I'm fascinated with people wearing layers of shirts under a comfy sweater and wearing pair of flat or maybe high leg boots.

Yipee!