23RD BIRTHDAY

23RD

Perhaps, it's time to say goodbye to a whole blast year that has been when I was 22 years of age. At 22, I've transformed to another persona in which I guess quite stronger and slightly waterproof! Trying to cope up with changes, I have learned to become resistant to whatever thorns along the way though they leave some pretty deep scar. They said I'm young, fragile, and inexperience. There's no way I can be bother by those because I know for a fact that there's something I can make a mark for myself.

My goal since I was young was to go abroad at 21 years old. Basically, I failed that for I arrived here in New Zealand at the age of 22. It's quite funny because I proud to say that my job here is my first ever job since I graduated last 2008 excluding the times I've done a month of training/volunteer in a Hospital. What an experience isn't? Seriously, I haven't achieved my ultimate goal. It'll take some time before I accomplish it. I've wasted a whole of being a piece of junk. Not that I'm not proud of my job but it's not worth it to stick with it. Nevermind, a piece of advice from my quirky head, DREAM ON!

Every year, I've made sure that my birthdays should be a meaningful day for me. I can do a thing which will make me happy though there's absence of gifts, friends, foods, and family. Since I was a little, my parents would always throw a party for me. Heaps of gifts from friends, godmother/godfathers,relatives and random people. Fun games, entertainment, balloons, party tables and chairs, great dress, mouthwatering foods, party music, in short, a whole lot of fun!! Even now that I'm grown up, I can find way to amuse myself like inviting my friends for a simple gathering for lunch or maybe dinner and sing karaoke all day long. Simple as photoshoot would make me happy. To be with the people whom I give importance, is one of the best gift that I can have. I don't materials things or bunch of foods around me, a simple greeting is far more thoughtful than any other thing in the world.

Literally, this was my first birthday away from my family and friends. It saddened me to realize how lonely it could be in my most important day in my life which happens just once a year and it will never happen again ever. How can you turn 23 over and over again seriously??!! But you know what made happy, it was the greetings from friends over facebook, a night of work with less stress, greetings from people whom I have told that it was my birthday..hahaha, thoughtfulness of ate precy to treat me for dinner, voice chat with family thru skype, gift from people that I've received, and just a good weather! hehe:D Though it seems like I have nothing to be sad about, still, I feel incomplete especially now that Christmas is just around the corner. I can hear the word christmas wherever I go.

Is there any reason for me to be merry this Christmas? Let's see... I will keep you posted on actually how to celebrate Christmas alone.

THANK YOU GOD FOR ANOTHER YEAR. HOWEVER MY LIFE IS INCOMPLETE WITHOUT THE PEOPLE WHO I CARE ABOUT, I WILL STILL CONTINUE LIVING AS IF THEY CHEERING UP FOR ME WHEREVER THEY ARE. IN DISTANCE, WE ARE FAR BUT IN HEART, WE ARE IN REACH.

YUM!

@ NANDOS WITH ATE PRECY

No turning back!

This is it! I probably making one of the hardest decision of my life. I know it's should be done earlier as possible. I took a chance of letting time goes by without making any sense of my life here in nz. Until I reached the end of the year when all things were sorted out and created the final outcome of the questions I've been asking in my mind. Yay! so creepy! I have to be prepared like BIG TIME! Pls. pray for my success! I'm thankful because there's wonderful people along the way who won't hesitate to help.. thanks:))

RISE AND SHINE!

Shot by mois (27.11.10)

After a long time, I've managed to check my blogger account! haha. You know me, I've been busy working but now, I'm gonna rise and shine. It doesn't matter if I get less hours of sleep as long as I can see the beauty of the sun and people passing by. I wanna drink my favorite cup of frappucino and unwind in the library with my laptop chillaxing! Aside from working and surpassing work challenges, I'm having fun spending time with myself. Not that I'm a loner, but basically it's way for me to discover what I wanted in life and not listening to those buggers! Anyway, they give spice in my life and so I need them to give a little spunk in my peaceful living.lol.

Chase your dream is my new motto. I don't want to be rotten like a bunch of bananas trying to be like everyone. Who don't wants to fly and explore life? It's better to try than not to try it at all just because of stupid excuses! No use of talking and arguing with them. Such a waste of time!! ahahaha.. just kidding..We have our own perception on what's right from what's wrong. If your mature and old enough to decide on what to do, well then, good on you.

Let's see what life's in store for me.....

Never Mind coz God provides.

I'm not sure exactly what to write here coz I'm in the middle of boredom inside my room listening to a show in T.V. No one to talk to in the internet. The weather is too gloomy likewise the aura feels so boring. Waiting for the time or maybe to let the sun rest and darkness appears is the most tiring thing to do. I have to keep a better eye on the clock as it tick-tocks while i'm realizing that "have i consuming my time well enough?or am i just wasting it?" Never mind.

Now that I have achieved what I've longed for the last 5 months, is it worth it? Still, anxiousness kept me going all day long. I cannot be happy and fulfill completely since i'm stil tied up with something evilish! I wanna get rid of it so badly... Don't get me wrong, I termed evilish as a metaphor coz they likely the same. Never mind.

Please God give me strength to carry on all this heavy baggage I'm carrying in my back.. I've been through countless trials but then you never left me standing alone. You're my only hope, oh God. I know you have a meaningful purpose for everything and that what keeps me hanging on. Thank you for all the blessings. i love you.:)

Isn't FAIR?

Who said I'm lucky? When we talk about fortunes, it would cause an argument for sure coz it's obvious how unlucky I am in every aspects of life. There's no essence of saying these words for I know for a fact that there's something wrong with me that it would do no good in my way of thinking and my life perse. Pardon me but there's part of me wanting to burst out my emotions that I kept on resisting. Once I said that one most valuable thing I've learned here in NZ is becoming optimistic, seeing the bright side of life, and stay as happy as possible but what the heck I'm feeling right now giving me much headache and moment of vagueness just simply pissing me off. How much I tried to escape from my worries, myself won't do so. Every week different problems welcome me as my life becoming darker when it's used to be brighter.

As much as possible. I'm trying to live life as if everything is fine like getting lot of inspiration from things and PERSON but in the end of the day, what's the point? I can still feel empty inside. I'm worried for the future I guess. It's like I have nowhere to go, nothing to be proud of. Should I remain as is without anything to make me satisfied. I know it's wrong not to be satisfied of what God provided w/c for my best, still I can't help but to question, "Why me? What's wrong with me? Why do you have to put all that challenges onto my back?" Yes, God won't give you problems that you can't handle however, I'm too fragile these days..

People around me are lucky enough to get much of what they need and receive more than what they need. It's not I'm being too judgmental but facts will stay as facts. I don't want to weigh things up but how hypocrite I should be if I don't admit that I do so. Honestly I'm a giving person and as long as I get just enough of what I need, I will be alright. But sometimes, you come to think things over and by doing so you realized how bummer you might be from all the rest. It's not helping seriously, to learn that everyone's progressing and you will stay behind looking how far they've become. Jealously, maybe or a form of stupidity. I dunno. I wonder if my life has a meaning or am I just an accessory to this world full of mysteries. Some might say, God has a purpose for you or you're fortunate enough compared to other suffering individual.. Is that a bu*lsh*t? I don't mean to curse my life but I'm still trying to figure out who am i, WHERE DO I STAND?

Life is indeed unfair. Before it wasn't a big deal for me but in silence, you realized "wheww! it's not fair!"... In time, I hope that things will get better. It's not my intention really to discourage myself but for me to learn how to cope up and sort things up with my inner self. I'm not losing hope if so, otherwise I totally depressed and crying at the moment. I can do it!! I'm not losing hope.

:,((

2.15 in the afternoon as the rain keep on pouring down as i look at the window where all things are soaking wet. I can't help my tears from falling down through my orange jacket and all the sounds I hear is the music from the radio. It hurts to know someone's leaving when all along you knew that everything's going fine. A sudden news going to shock you insane where you've got no where to escape and all left is to cry. There's no way I'm gonna accept this fact, never in my wildest dreams I imagined being in this kind of situation. This probably the worst scenario I'm afraid to deal with. You can gimme hell problems in the world but not this one because I've got nowhere to find something that can heal this kind of pain w/c hurting me too much. I often wonder if all were just a Dream that I'm more than willing to wake up soon. I don't care if I give up what I have at the moment just bring back all good times away from misery. I can stand whatever trials comes my way whether if those will break me, i don't give a damn.

Being away from home had given me difficult time to deal with this especially I've got no family to lean on but I'm thankful coz I have friends who understands me and cares for me. I need to be strong though in silence I tend to be emotional and think over the present situation that's driving me at the peak of depression. Definitely, there's no way I can escape the reality that life has expiration date. Sometimes I question God, "why did it came so fast?". Though I have no right to question the Almighty but it's a human nature to ask things beyond their control.

Sometimes I think that it's better to have Cancer coz you can see how long will you stay in this world whereas, if heart attack, it gets your life instantly without any consent..:( It's damn unfair.

All that is left of me are the memories we had together couple of months ago. I will never forget every single thing she did for me and the rest of the family. She's my role model. She sacrfificed much to help most of us so that's why i find it hard to accept the truth that she's been struggling much. The truth is she almost forgotten her own life coz all she thinks of were how to help us. A guilt deep within makes me too emotional and cry at times. Because it's a fact that I added up to her problems ever since I pursue my dreams of getting here. Instead of advising me to give up, here she goes trying to uplift my spirits telling me how proud she is that I'm already here. She knew even before that I'm gonna achieve my dreams {period}. Honestly if wasn't for her, I won't be able to be as strong as I am now. She's my inspiration who taught me to be brave and she believed whatever trials I'm going to encounter, I can make it.

Living my life without her is unimaginable. Everyday I used to talk with her through chat about random / casual things, sometimes about gossips / life issues/ family issues. I will miss those without any doubt. She very different from the rest coz she's too frank and straight forward. It saddened me to wake up one day waiting for her to pop up in the internet and say.."hi leny". :(( but sadly, i dunno if it will ever happen again. Truly she makes my daily easy as I can talk to her sharing experiences and everything w/c makes me less homesick.. But now, how can i deal with this? I've got no idea at all. It's hell to imagine things like that totally makes me sick.

If there's one wish I can make, that would be to longer her life... I still have heaps of dreams for her. I want to somehow payback to all the good deeds she have done for the family. She deserves to be pampered w/c I know she never experienced given by other person or us. That's one of my ultimate dream ever since. I hope I can still give her comfortable life away from stress and problems..

God help her please...I'm begging you.. But whatever or wherever you want her to be, I'll accept it though there's nothing harder than that... You knows best, I believe in you. We love her so much.....:((

Byeee Ph, Kia Ora! NZ!!

Kia Ora!!!
HELLO NEW ZEALAND!!
Arrived last March 24, 2010.

The place was so Laid Back. It's quiet and few people can be seen in streets. Friendly people were quite noticeable as they will greet you wherever, whenever. At first, I found it kinda weird coz we don't even knew each other and we're all plain strangers, yet, they don't hesitate to give some smile on their faces and greetings like "how's it going?", "hi, hello" w/c are overwhelming and welcoming on my part as a newbie in this country. Buses here have timetable so there's schedule on what time the bus supposed to arrive and it has cut off time w/c totally sucks. Unlike in the Philippines where transportation are widely available. So, we need someone to bring us to work in time especially in early morning and late at night. Foods are somewhat cheap and reasonable but just forget to convert it into peso alright. The weather is a wi bit cold most especially in nights but during daytime, sun is on its peak w/c a bit painful in skin. Sometimes the wind can be cold. Trees are definitely eye catching because of the colors and the structures. Flowers are blooming. But because its Autumn, most of the tress were like fading w/ tan colored leaves. Nice on sight. We've been through some of great places here but not quite. The language is a way different from Aussie accent or British accent. It's hard to understand coz they pronounced words differently giving to much emphasis on "e" sounds. Technology was not really updated here. T.V. shows were like old school and boring. Yes, the word boring describes it all. A Filipino once sad to me that, time here runs too fast and it's like your waiting for the time you'll get old. One of the greatest things happened to me was the moment I met the people I'm living with at the moment coz they're so helpful, nice, caring and all the nicest thing in the world. Though we faced a lot of triumphs, I can proudly say that I made it through the rain. If you can only witnessed my first week here, it was filled with sadness, pain, depression and all that stressful feeling a person won't wish to experience. It will take ages before I can narrate everything in detailed so in the meantime, it's better to just leave it in the past. What I felt right now is mixed up with contentment and hope that someday, in right time, i can grasp the promise of great life here in NZ. There was a time when i wanted to give up and rather go back home, but then I realized how can i learn if i give up just like that. There's no use of giving up. Another bright thing in here, was I was able to meet a lot of nice people whom I worked with,mostly Filipinos. Truly said, some will put you down but most will help you on your way up. They don't even know how much gratitude I have for them that I will never forget as long as I live.

A month ago, I'm thinking of the best things yet to happen. I thought everything will be fine if I grab this opportunity getting here in NZ. But no one knows, maybe because we got here that easy that's why we're facing this difficulties/conflicts and maybe later our luck be seen within our reach. Maybe there's a silver lining behind all of this and it's yet to unfold, in best and right time i guess.

AUTUMN

Holla!

My itchiness to type brought me here. Someone whispered in my ear telling me to update my personal site, i dunno who it was or maybe it was just my imagination. Never mind, I think apart from being updated in my Project 365 days tumblr site, I need give much importance to my first ever loved blog site. Blame my laziness for I wasn't able to catch things up here and I've been out for almost a decade it seems.

Whew, If I will try to elaborate significant events from the last update up to this moment, I admit it'll be difficult. You can just check out my tumblr site for more specific updates.

It's unbelievable thinking how far I became from few months ago when I was still struggling to find myself in this world asking myself, "where do I fit in?" It was just some of my "emo" moments like ranting stuffs due to helplessness and sometimes, hopelessness. I can't help it and I just suck onto it. Crappy thoughts always interrupt my concentration and even my goals were once or twice forgotten. How can I forget the times I used to question life? How unfair life is and what the hell life brought me in such position. It took me almost two years to finally discover where do I belong in this crowded world. I couldn't say that this path will be the final destination for me coz life's full of surprises. But honestly, I lose all my pride that's inside me and I'll try to forget my genuine happiness for my incoming success sake. Yeah, I'm positive about this and I can foresee it so wide clearly. This HOPE kept me in new way of thinking that everything is possible and within our reach if we know how to wait and persevere towards one's goal.

For sure I will nailed whatever it takes for me to achieve "SOMETHING" worth my existence. Dealing with this kind of new experience got me stomach upset every time I think of it. Being alone is what I have to deal with. No one to run and no one to lean on. I must be strong enough to be independent coz everything will be different from the usual. Solitary moments, that will actually make me burst out my emotions and wanting to go back home, should be in control. Giving up is never an excuse, I swear to myself that I won't give up no matter what.

Yes, ast month my visa was approved and my flight will be anytime this March. To be exact, its March23. I hope that this is really is it. It's New Zealand BTW. I'm not yet completely prepared but I'm still trying to be prepared emotionally and physically. New environment, new people, new experience are all makes me excited and at the same time, makes me frightened a bit. But don't worry coz I know that I can handle whatever situations for sure. Adaptation Technique has its own ways to help me adjust time after time.

I bet you're thinking how excited I am to see a snow!! Yep, I do!!!! I'm fascinated with people wearing layers of shirts under a comfy sweater and wearing pair of flat or maybe high leg boots.

Yipee!

|ONE STEP CLOSER|

Everything went so fast like a whirlwind it draws me at state of shock. A year ago seems I'm heading on a path of unknown without any direction or destination. Perhaps, my footsteps take me to nowhere as I exhausts myself physically but more on mentally. I've been through several stop-overs to see if i already arrived to the pit stop after a long and winding journey. But then I end up walking again to another path still in faith and losing hope was never my option. Every time I see bright lights, I made belief that maybe this is it, the fate I've been searching for long. As I'm getting near, the lights slowly fading away with no marks or even sparks left. The first thought behind my head keeps on reminding me not to give up instead considered it as God's plan.

Every busy people surrounds me as I walks onto the sidewalks of the metro makes me wonder how hard life is it for them. I can't help but to question things which is wrong and pointless. I see different faces: happy faces and worried faces. I can't read minds so how should I know what's their mind's up to. Do they facing trials brought by unsureness of their decisions? Are they finally receive life's good news? Have they already grasp the light that I'm dying to reach? Is there any barrier for them to taste life sweetness? So many questions yet to be answered.

Honestly, I don't have to questions things much instead be thankful for what I have. Many people were suffering the worst of worst so who I am to demand for more than enough. I guess in this point of time of my life, I'm in the process of finding myself and discovering who else I can be. From my previous ranting, I learned how much bitterness I contained by directly or indirectly blaming my life's fate. I worry a lot and emotions were overflowing, bursting like I am the only person who's suffering. Never in my life I intended to grief with things that happened unexpectedly out of the circle. Unplanned and unintended situations were really inescapable. So I keep in mind that no matter how hard I've tried to cry, scream, be sad and angry, still, everything were done for a purpose paving way for the best outcome possible.

For more or less two years, I keep on chasing my luck from which to which. Run there, run here, almost helpless but still trying. I admit that I didn't tried harder but at least even a bit of effort was exerted. I never been at ease for that long even there was a time I've proved something when I stepped my foot on the bright light just for a while. I never meant to give up and leave an opportunity behind. It's like sacrificing for a thing you haven't been happy of doing. Sacrificing is part of life I suppose but then there no willing power inside me forcing to fight till the end. Subconsciously I felt such a damn loser.

After I skipped the bright light that was already in front of me, suddenly another one came where I caught myself hoping for the best. Abruptly I felt blessed. Unknowingly, I took chances for what seems to be blurry. I had hesitation but still I've took the risk, take a shot and gambled. For couple of months, I've patiently waited. Every single day that I woke up seems like cutting me slowly into pieces. And whenever I see the sunset, I always whisper to myself "not a good day". Until one day, unexpectedly, my anxiety suddenly faded because I've received my most awaited great news. I wanted to jump off my butt and shout aloud without any hesitation. The eagerness was on high and believe me, never felt this way before after I've got my license.

Guarantees are probable expectations. Before, I mentioned that I have a thing here called hesitation, and now its finally erased as I've seen the bright light so clear and free from doubt. But of course, I won't overwhelm myself by expecting too much instead be prayerful and just believe that "this is really is my Time and I'm gonna nailed it for sure!" I'm optimistic this time and I won't let anything serves as a roadblock on my way to the bright light. I've took the risk, I went a long way, and still moving to a more remote point. I'm stepping forward and there's no turning back. I've got this on my bare hands and I won't let it escape away from me. This is my rare luck which I believe will bring me to the peak of success in line with my destined destination. From my previous FB status : It's choice -- not chance -- that determines your destiny. And I have chosen to take the risk that makes me now ONE STEP CLOSER.

|2 year old|

I can't imagine how long this blog been in the world wide web from the very start back in my college days when out of enthusiast and some inspiration from media up to this date. Far from the idea of consistently updating from time to time, I end up inconsistent and inactive for quite some time, but nevertheless, I'm surprised by the fact that I completed the whole year of 2009 which i made at least an entry per month. I felt satisfaction for I can look back in the future what has been aspired which is actually the purpose of blogging.

As much as I wanted to put some rantings, ramblings, photos captured, memories sharing, and all that to express my in-depth emotions/feelings, I can't help my laziness and not in the mood in supplying my page out here. As a consequence, most of my readers drastically disappeared. Well, I can't blame them coz me as well lost myself, besides, I never meant to collect followers ,beg them to drop by and hit me with some comments. But if some would mind to pay time to read, then well, thank you. Appreciate it much. All my blog here for is mainly to express who's who, who's me.

I decided to create a project365 tumblr blog. In that instance, it can be easy for me to update it daily coz it's uncomplicated. This time, I will promise to comply whatever happens...? *I hope so.

2010!

Candid shot. loljk

This photo's caused by my laziness to type..
Listed here the monthly highlights of 2009.

I consider Resolutions as bitch! But then again, I'll try to set standards. Whether or not achieved, still, I don't mind. Besides, who are we to create a list of things to do? Whatever/However we wanted stuffs to happen, only God decides. Anyway, for the sake of resolution thing coz it's new year...here we goes..

• Lose weight. Whatever!
• More Patience. Especially to my naughty cousins.
• Lessen my laziness.
• Watch more inspiring movies.
• Perseverance to achieve my goal.
• Don’t spend so much time on the internet
• Eat healthy foods. Less meats, sweets, sodas, rice..
• Shoot wonderful photos.
• Edit much. Be creative.
• Project 365!
  
• Stop being mean, sometimes.
• Get disciplined.
• Travel.
• Learn acceptance & letting go.
• Don't expect too much.
• Always find time to enjoy & laugh.
• Discover myself.
• Go through a major change.
• Hang-out more often.
• Try new things.
• Help others to change their (-) attitude.
• Get a freakin' JOB!
  
• Go out of the country (period).
  

I know there's a lot of things to change or to achieve...But These all I can formulate for now. i'll try to add laTurrr. Long live 2010!